Christmas

I didn't recieve any presents
I didn't have a tree
I didn't have lights

And i don't really care
I actually prefer it this way because I generally tolerate but rarely love the things others buy for me.
i think a Christmas trees are stupid and messy
And although christmas lights can be pretty amazing and gorgeous they are usually just stupid, and wasteful.

I did spend a lot energy looking for my moms Christmas present only because she said exactly what she wanted and I bought her things like fixing her watch and buying her gas (necessary things, that's how I roll)

BUT
I did spend time thinking about God's amazing love.
About how amazing I feel regardless of my circumstances because of the confidence i have in God. I often wonder how others face the ups and downs of life without being able to trust in an almighty God.
Anyway, I love God, He loves me, I am humbled and extremely grateful.
Merry Christmas, you are loved.

 

Crisis Averted

I was trying to organise pictures on my hard drive to make sure that pictures are sorted and saved.
And then a pop up came up that said "deleting 439 files"
I was clicking, 'cancel,' 'cancel.' But it was too late and what made me the angriest is i didn't even know which 400+ pictures were deleted, I was crushed.
And especially because there were irreplaceable photos, I am significantly less depressed when I lose documents because...I can type or dounload them again.
Anyway did some googling and discovered that a deleted file doesn't actually mean it's gone and you can download programs to undelete it.
And I downloaded a couple, and they both FOUND my pictures but wanted to charge me up to 50 dollars to recover them. So I went back to google and added 'FREE' to my search criteria and found Recuva.

And my pictures are back where they should be.
Just sharing because I was utterly crushed when I lost them, annoyed when they other programs were trying to charge me and then elated when I found Recuva. Just wanted to share the drug free elation :D

Life's good!

Surgery Placement

I did one week with a surgery team as a placement.
Not an official placement more of an experience placement, without really having any specific things I HAVE to learn from it. It was just an opportunity to follow them around and learn a few things

Things you can do to make your placement the best

1. Do push ups, you will spend lot of times holding things, holding legs and tubes, and this could get painful so strengthen your arms
2. You will spend a lot of time standing, do squats
1. To reduced feet pain, invest in good shoes. I know my mother believes in me because she bought me shoes for medicine long before I got into medicine. To be honest I never really like them, I don't think they look very good on me because my foot is so large and I think they just look giant. She bought a pair for herself as well and they look cute because she is a smaller size. Anyway, I have not really worn them, BUT, after a couple of days of surgery coming home with painful throbbing feet, I dragged them out and they were amazing.
1. My mom bought me these shoes, and I highly recommend them if you have to do a lot of standing, an absolutely tangible difference. They are so soft and they remain soft all day, just feels amazing and even pressure through out the foot!
2. Tights, if you are a girl, wear control tights (again mom comes to the rescue) since mome is a nurse this is something I saw her do. After a few days I realised that standing for long causes excruciating pain in the thighs and calves, and control tights really help with that pain, definitely saw a tangible difference.
1. Unfortunately it took a few days for me to figure out all these things, BUT on the last day I had on my amazing shoes, I had control tights and it was a practically painless day even though I was there for over 12 hours.

Things I noticed during my placement

1. I don't want to be a surgeon because
1. walking into a surgery the patient is covered except for the location of the surgery to take place, literally reducing them to an arm or knee or stomach, etc
2. Everyone's face is covered except for their eyes, which reduces everyone you are working with into functional parts
3. as a very social person who enjoys the 'whole-patient' aspect of medicine, I really did not like this.  I think I will enjoy teh process of diagnosing and trying to work out what is wrong with a patient, as well as treating and following them through, even sending them to surgery but later having to check how their surgery works in the context of their overall well-being. I will also enjoy participating in preventative medicine, dealing with making good health decisions and helping the patient through difficult medical decisions where I cannot provide an answer but only the available information.
2. Sterile gloves smell like kapenta, probably not, but to me it was the most familiar label I could associate the strongly latex smell
3. The smell of burning flesh was something I didn't expect, I don't think I like it...
4. Most surgeons are quite nice and nothing like on tv, but orthopaedic surgeons are surprisingly like on TV (nice...but TV like)
5. There is flexibility in their schedule and they get to go away for weekends and have dinner at home, but it is incredibly inconsistent, maybe spend three days straight at the hospital, and then three days getting to go home before 3pm, and then a day where you are at the hospital until 2am, it's just super erratic, I don't like that. I think I want a little more consistency.

Overall, an amazing learning experience. even though I knew before hand I didn't want to do surgery, I still found the experience extremely useful. I think it will be important later on to understand what my patients may be going through but also to understand my surgery colleagues.
Amazing
I am now reading Gray Matter (about a neurosurgeon who prays for his patients). And it's really helping my understanding of the setting and culture he is talking about.
The surgery culture is definitely distinct and it is important to understand it becuase I will be sending my patients there and in a rural area who knows what surgeries I will be doing.

Rest

I am on holidays.
I am resting.
It is an amazing concept
I considered working while visiting my mom but I have changed my mind. Atleast for the next three weeks I will just rest.

It is something I never really appreciated until my semesters were filled with actual work and stress.
The more work med school is the more I am appreciating my break, plus I hear the work will increase while the breaks reduce...gotta appreciate them while I have them.

If you don't like me it's your fault

I spent a week with someone, very long hours, we were both in an unfamiliar setting and the other person was the most familiar thing in the whole week.
I deal with people by asking lots and lots of surprisingly personal questions, so after about 2 days we had learned an incredible amount about each other.

Something I already know about myself
- When I spend a long time with someone and know a lot about them, I start to entertain the idea of living together happily ever after.
- This is something I know, but something I didn't expect was the thought that followed these ideas

..."He probably wouldn't look at me in that way becuase I am not his type"

Now, this (for me) is an improvement because it's the understanding I have come to recently that I am a beautiful, strong, and interesting person and when the time is right, the right person will see that. And these other people in my life will not see it not because I am ugly and boring, but because they are just not the right person to see who God made me to be.


so I felt really grown up!
Yay, me for not having my value determined by how I feel others see me (although it was a fleeting moment of maturity...)

Why Poverty

Why Poverty
- It's a series of shows (available online and wherever you live), I think it will last a week = and there is a whole website associated with discussions and additional videos and articles.
- So far I have watched two episodes.
the first one was about the economic disparity on Park avenue, it was amazing considering it was just on ONE street.
 - It was thought provoking and reminded us that poverty isn't a problem with those people over there in a far away land, but in every collection of humanity there are the haves and have nots
AND THEN (imagine my eyes rolling at this point)
- The second episode was JUST about BONO and bob some thing raising funds for Africa. That's all it was a documentary about them. A tiny bit of criticism from a few Africans (probably less than 10 percent of the episode)
- After the incredibly insightful and informative first episode this one annoyed me, A LOT.
BUT I will continue to watch because they seem to have quite a bit of diversity in the shows

I can't afford to watch it on the Internet, they are just way too many videos but here is a link to what channel it will be showing on in your country.


---
Moving on to what I actually wanted to talk about today
My Library 

I will one day have a library. I have moved a lot and getting a library card is one of the first things I do, often i have a card for my community library and for my university library, sometimes even the card for the community near my community library.
In the library all things are good. In the library I have access to the world. There is something pretty darn amazing about libraries, long before google, libraries contained the answers to all my questions. And even in the world of google, libraries still have that quiet, clean,environment where everyone is looking for something. I love the atmosphere in a library and love finding a surprisingly good book. And love that sometimes people just go sit down and read in the library, so sometimes the library is filled with people just sitting there!
Additionally the library always gave me equality. When I didn't have Internet, or couldn't fax or whatever was lacking in my home I could go to the library and use it for free (usually and for a tiny cost the rest of the time). So even if I felt kind of poor sometimes my education never suffered because there was a library near by to give me access to things I just couldn't afford.

And so I will build one, and right now I don't have money for bricks but I do have money to slowly but surely collect books.

The person the books were initially aimed at will be graduating high school this year and going to university, so there were conversations about careers and what to do with life, so some of the books I currently have in my house are around these questions

The books currently in my house that I have read and will definitely be sending over.

• Anonymous Lawyer
• Amazing! About the work that we do and why we do it. About a man who stumbled upon a career and then gave it his whole life and then became part of a system and perpetuated the system, it's intense, it's the kind of character you love to hate. He is a horrible person and there really isn't any other way to look at it.

• The Return
• I used to tell the person, they can be whatever they want, even an astronaut! So when I found this book written by Buzz Aldrin I had to get it. Buzz is an astronaut and a huge proponent of the need to continue space travel, the need for humanity to continue looking beyond next door and pushing ourselves forward. Really interesting to see those ideas in fictional form, he is basically writing this story to get you as the reader excited about why space travel is important for humanity he wants to implant this sense of wonder and excitement about space!

• I stumbled upon the entire Keys to the Kingdom collection and had to buy it even if it doesn't really help answer the questions of life.
• But I happen to love fantasy because it generally has no nationality and focuses on general good versus evil themes and not very political or culturally tied, it generates it's own world
• Plus I think Key's to the Kingdom has religious undertones which I like.
• Speaking of religious undertones i have already sent the entire Chronicles of Narnia series
• Speaking of series; I have sent all of Eragon and Series of unfortunate events.
• I have failed to send Harry Potter because I have failed to read the entire series ( I think I have sent the first two books...maybe, I will try again), and if I buy a book I have to read it before it can be sent over. At this stage I feel I am responsible for the ideas I am sending, so yea there is some censorship, but of course that was because it was aimed at a young family member.

Books still sitting on my bookcase that I bought, failed to finish reading and therefore cannot send

• Lord of the Rings: it's just long....
• Ching Chong China Girl (the writing is spastic, it's basically just a collection of short short stories and they are so many characters I find it hard to remember who is who between the stories, PLUS the passage of time is hard to grapple with)

 
Books I have read but have resisted sending

• The accidental billionaire: I bought it because I was genuinely curious about the story but the writing is just bad. I didn't send it because I felt my principle reader was too young for some of the content, but I may send it this year. 
• Now that I remember I didn't send the last book in the Eragon series either, because it was a bit morbid, but again my reader is significantly older now, so can handle of of that way better

Books I will now hunt down

• Some writers inspired by this list. I will consider myself an honorary but absent member of this book club (And a few years behind)
• Frankenstein, I've read it on my phone and definitely want it to be a part of my library.

----
In other news about this library

• I should name this library
• Or maybe I don't have to name it yet, I will name it after what ever community my library will find itself in. Or ultimately this could be a network of libraries, because I know I can request things from my community library and they can send it from other libraries, which perpetuates the feeling of being a part of some larger community, so maybe I could name my library something inclusive and expansive but that still represents knowledge and information and growth.... I'll continue to reflect upon this for later
• Maybe I should make an electronic database
• I have decided this is actually something I MUST do, and pretty soon, mostly because I am buying from second hand stores I buy what I stumble across, which means I don't always stumble across entire sets and I forget what I have, and because I send books back home in small chunks, I forget what I sent and suspect some books may be repeated, and some sets left incomplete
• So I will download this free trial and over time I will even invest in the scanner...at a later stage...at this stage I'll continue to invest in 4 dollar books..that's the kind of investment I can afford right now
• I recently found an amazing book store filled wall to wall and floor to floor with books old and new and relatively cheap but the average price was 10 dollars (which is good for books) but the problem is if I bought 5 books that's an average of 50 dollars....

Currently reading

• I stumbled across a few Goosbumps stories: I bought them because I remember reading them when I was younger and they are such a simple read and they draw emotion out of you really simply, in a quite formulaic manner too. But I loved them at the time so I bought them. 
• I also bought Drift Street and Fat Forty and Fired 
• It was a total of less than 10 dollars for all of them (and that's why I might return to this particular store.. :D)

Classic Reads

I have a smart phone.
I got one this year.
I resisted, i believe a phone is for making phone calls and I don't really need the other stuff, however when my phone started failing at making phone calls it was time to get a new phone, and unfortunately (for me) all the available phones are smart phones.
Can i just rant about my love of buttons, and the fact that I don't love typing a text message on a touch screen, buttons meant I could type and feel in tune with my electronic devices..but whatever... (and I wasn't going to get a blackberry because those buttons are about a quarter the size of my fingers!!!)
 ANYWAY, regardless of my resistance I've got the smart phone now, so I might as well use it. And one of the things it has is books!
I love reading, and reading on my phone means I can read wherever I am even if I forgot to grab a book. It's perfect
I read for two reasons
1. The free classics available on my android phone (thanks to google books). I recognize the titles and have a general idea about the story but don't really know the details.

2. I was taught to do much with the little I have so that God can bless me with more. So I have big huge dreams of changing the world (starting with Zambia), but rather than saying I'll do it all when I am older and richer, there are some things I can do now. One of which is pay attention in medical school, and another is buy second hand books and begin the collection that will be my library.
I have been collecting books for years (probably 5 books a year...), and I read all the books I send back home, I look for children to young adult books. I was originally buying for someone in particular so as the person grew the books I was collecting changed. I believe in exposing them to new ideas and to controversial ways of looking at the world. I will keep you updated on this as well.

But this blog is just about the classics I have found myself reading.

Sherlock Holmes

• I have watched the new movie, and a few episodes of the slightly older show, plus I used to watch the cartoon from the 90s (Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd century)
• Basically, I know who Sherlock Holmes is and what he does.
• What was an amazing surprise was the writing. I was hooked from the first page, I wanted to know what would happen, I wanted to know not just WHO did it but WHY they did it. The plots were downright ridiculous but amazing. I loved the reasoning for the crimes, it was awesome, even though a part of me found Sherlock Holme's rationalising absolutely ridiculous. I don't love Sherlock as a character but I don't think he is supposed to be loved entirely, I mean he is a drug addict for goodness sake!

Frankenstein

• Honestly, I never realized that Frankenstein was the name of the scientist and the monster had no name, so this was my first misconception that was thrown out the window. And the monster isn't evil...at least not initially, in parts i hate the scientist...it was a great book!
• This story is AMAZING. The writing is not cumbersome at all, and I was conflicted through out. just could NOT decide whether the monster was A monster or not. Whether or not I was sympathizing with him or condemning him. And that's the kind of book that really keeps me up at night way beyond my bed time, promising to go to bed after just one more chapter!
• I truly recommend this one and I will be on the lookout for a hardcover copy.

I have attempted to read some classics and failed to get into it, I might try again...I might not.
I tried 3 musketeers, I tried Lord of the Rings (not really an ancient classic but it's still sitting on my bookcase withering away), Lewis Caroll is pretty hard to read for me as well.
But I have time and a second hand store nearby so when I fail to read a book I am more likely to go look for more books than struggle to get through.

Who needs sleep anyway?

Last night I was actually feeling a bit ill and that was INITIALLY why I had trouble sleeping, and then somewhere around 2am I was feeling significantly better and found a really comfortable spot and then my mind woke up.
And once again I will share with you what I am thinking because I have my fingers crossed that you will think it's a good idea and run with it, and so when my time has come I do not have to start convincing people of these ideas but just being part of the next step.
My mind was revolving around money.
Honestly, I do not believe that any country doesn't have enough money to do X.
I am constantly disturbed by the fact that the construct we invented : MONEY dominates us to a point where we have to borrow from others amounts that we do not even have the capacity to count or fathom. I honestly can you comprehend a BILLION?
So basically, I believe in looking at your resources and building from there.
So here was my idea
Find a village.
Get all the villagers together and develope a taxation system.
You might have to find a village chief and get them to implement this system.
But the idea is to be transparent and involve the villagers all the way (to generate a democracy as it is supposed to be).
Taxation
- In a village meeting, everyone agree what is an appropriate sum/month or per harvest season, and outline the equivalent in money, in crops, and in labour. So if I am a farmer or carpenter, I pay my taxes in what I have. Basically, thinking only about money limits us and prevents us from seeing the resources we do have.
and then the chief (or whoever is in charge), provides 2 or three money making endeavors. For example, buying a taxi or building a store, and that is what the taxes are initially put towards.
The village meetings occur regularly, to tell the people 'alright we have collected this amount, and we have bought the taxi, it is now running monday to friday at X profit, we now have a total of XY'
After a year half of the profit is re invested in the business or new business started AND then a discussion is had about what the village needs. Is it electricity, water, a school, a clinic, whatever, start small and plan for the money that is available. I really believe this is how government should exist, transparent and responding to the needs of the population.
AND I truly believe this ideal is possible in the small communities of villages and when it exists there other villages will see and it can be expanded maybe even to a province, and of course maybe to the whole nation.
But in the meantime, the people in that village, begin to see themselves as part of a community that they have a role in improving. 

I got excited and then definitely realised that I can never be the one to get such a program started in a community, it was to come from someone within the community, so this is me hoping you are already in a village and will do all the hard work of trying to get different people to work together towards one goal, and one day when the community decides they want a doctor, I can just be paid to come and work in this beautiful community :D

Use it or lose it

I don't think it's really use it or lose but more use it or the time will pass and you will be left holding a useless artifact (but that didn't have as much of a ring to it).

Mom bought this textbook a long time ago (probably more than 10 years ago).
And my mom has this relationship with her books, she takes care of them, she doesn't remove the plastic wrapped disc on the back cover, and in the time I used this textbook I never removed the plastic wrap, either.
When I moved out, I 'stole' (with her permission) this textbook, and it just ocurred to me yesterday that the disc in the back is still plastic wrapped and never been used.
So I removed the platic wrap (I couldn't help but feel slightly scandalous).
And put it into the computer, and it was interesting:
1. It contains things that would have been useful during the past TEN years I have been using this textbook, and definitely would have been more useful in my biology and anatomy classes from undergrad and even highschool much more than in medicine.
2. It has animation skills of ten years ago, which would have been really exciting then, but looks sad now, compared to this for example.
3. And there is a bit that doesn't work, I suspect it doesn't work because it's just outdated now and doesn't relate to my computer they way it would have with whatever computer I had 10 years ago.

It was just an interesting and physical reminder that there is a time for everything and although you may not lose it, the time to have optimized it's usage may have passed.

For the record I don't really need it to study I was procrastinating, this is what happens when you sit at home studying, alone, for days on end. You begin remembering random things like the disc hiding behind that textbook you rarely even use!

My schedule
wake up
Study
eat breakfast
Study
Gym, lunch
Study
Dinner
Study
Sleep
Repeat

GLOD

(You think I just misspelled either God or Gold), but NO, GLOD is a real word, in fact it is a Romanian town.
It is one of the locations where Borat was filmed (I did not watch Borat...it looked stupid, but I do know what it is), anyway I just watched "When Borat came to town" a documentary about the town.
Basically, the small town was depicted in an unpleasant way in the movie and a lawyer came and told them to sue and they could get millions, a bit of a kerfuffle and nothing much materialised from that promise.

BUT, what was amazing and truly tugged at my heart strings, was (two things actually)

1. I was struck by the fact that the town of Glod was deceived by the movie people so that the movie people got what they wanted and the town of Glod was left disappointed. BUT the lawyer ALSO came and made promises that he failed to fulfill.
And again I saw the problem that we as humans sometimes put ourselves in, we decide that others know better than we do and we let ourselves get sucked in. Learned Helplessness: we reach a point of such despair that we cannot see an end to our suffering and we rationalize that the answer must lie in others and we disempower ourselves
I don't know the agreement that the movie people and the lawyer made with the town but ultimately the town was dissappointed. I hold hope that in fact the town was actually playing stupid in order to get more publicity, and sometimes you just never know.
Anyway, it was basically,  I was just sad for them for getting dissappointed and let down in such a major way...twice (that is assuming what they said in the movie was real, and they aren't actually rolling in the dough somewhere)

BUT
2. There was a man, who owned a shop, who spoke of bringing running water to the town. He had a vision, and when he thought of filing the lawsuit he was thinking of bringing money to the town and changing it. He had a vision, a dream, he was passionate and he was going to take the whole village with him.
When it fell apart he said, 'I don't dream about anything anymore. Too much dreaming, It's not good. If you don't have money to back you up dreams are in vain"
And this broke my heart, and definitely not for him, for ME.
What if my dreams never materialise, what if I die with all that I have seen in my mind, remaining in my mind and never really helping anyone.
I guess we never really know though, it's way better knowing you tried and failed than you never tried at all.

BUT in the end he decides to start all over again, he decided that even though his village hated him he was still going to try and build his vision. AND his daughter is pregnant, and that child represents their future, someone how will continue on their road but go further.

And when I think about it a bit longer, I know that my vision will not be impossible because I am not the first, Zambia is currently filled with amazing people doing amazing work, I have the benefit of existing being alive at such a time as this, and this is the right time for me. Additionally, I know that my life and what I will be capable of doing is only because of the battles that were fought and won by my forefathers before me. They paved the road, all I have to do is take a few more steps.

The Haves and the Have Nots

I have known a lot of rich people and I am sure they are some ridiculously rich people currently around me whose value I just don't realise. But there are a few specific rich people that have taught me a couple of things.

1. Money doesn't make you happy.
My mom had been telling me for years, the Bible told me, we've discussed it at Bible study, tons of movies had already told me, but it's not until really knowing someone who has the kind of money that I might be tempted to kill for. And knowing this person and their family rather intimately. And seeing just how unhappy they were and realising that they would trade their lives for my life in a heart beat.
I mean I knew money doesn't make you happy but I was pretty sure that it wouldn't make you UNhappy. But it turns out sometimes people are blinded by their money. and fail to see those closest to them. And they resort to their money as a way of communicating love and of solving problems, and for some it just takes so much darn effort to keep and continue making money that money ends up being all their life is about.
And in this intimate association with unhappy rich people I discovered what I already knew, money does not make you happy, it may in fact rob you of your joy.


2. I had an amazing friend, she was beautiful, we used to get in trouble a LOT for laughing in the class. The problem being I like sitting in the front, so we would sit in the front and laugh and when she got started she was ridiculous. she would snort and bellow, it was hilarious, which of course made me laugh more. FYI, thinking about her has reminded me to check how she is. But this friend was amazing, and she would come to my house and eat whatever my mom cooked and watch Disney movies (we were in high school), and only later in our friendship did I discover that her family was really rich. It wasn't a factor before I knew it and it had absolutely no effect after I discovered it.
*Some rich people are people first and rich second.

3. This third friend, well this third friend, was rich and I knew it from the first time I met her. And I also knew she felt I wasn't as rich as her (this was technically true), but I don't appreciate being made aware of it in every encounter. And it was interesting because I KNOW she was doing it out of love. Things like, 'We could go out...oh well maybe we can just stay in tonight' And you know the pause is to reflect upon the fact that you probably can't afford it. And for her she was concerned not about her wealth but at what appeared to be my lack there of.

A bonus lesson I learned: Because I am poor, I think about money a lot, what it would be like to have money and to not budget obsessively, etc.
But I have an amazing mother and this is something i don't really think about. And I met someone who had a bad relationship with her mother so that when I casually mentioned my mother doing something annoying/loving (like sending me underwear in the mail...yes she did!), this friend is actually yearning for such an obnoxiously loving mother.
*Everyone is rich in certain areas, and poor in others. Be careful not to rub your wealth in other people's faces, if possible share it, and be a part of building their wealth of friendships.

Just been reminded recently to be aware of all that God has blessed me with and even though I describe myself as poor, I have always had enough. And a few times God has provided me with enough exactly when it was needed, in amazing and miraculous ways. He has always been by my side and with Him, I have MORE than enough.

Why Zambia is Amazing

This will not be about tourism or investment or volunteering in Zambia so if that's what you are looking for..look elsewhere.
I did a quick search to see if anyone else agreed with me and all I found was why you should visit Zambia, why you should go help us and how much fun other people had when visiting/helping us.
This is about the fact that after I have travelled I have discovered so many amazing benefits to being Zambian that I never fathomed while actually in Zambia.

1. Weather
1.  No hurricanes
2. no bushfires
3. no tornadoes
4. No El ninos, or la ninas
5.  No snow storms that mean we close the nation down and wait for the snow to melt
1. The weather is AMAZING, they are two seasons, you know they are coming, and they are predictable (okay fine they might be variations some people claim hot and dry, hot and wet and cold and wet or some other variations). But it's predictable, you know what's coming. The only reason we have issues with it is because we don't prepare adequately enough. The fact that in dry season we have no water and in the wet season we are flooded is a testament to our lack of forward planning. This is easily fixed. You cannot forward plan for certain weather dramas.
2. Tribalism
1. It could be worse, I am currently not proud of hearing people discussing politics in light of someones tribe but we are close to many countries where the tribalism has destroyed them. 
3. Things we deal with from our past
1. No giant nuclear explosions
2. No major civil wars that ripped the nation apart
3.  No genocidal history
4. There is nothing preventing us from holding our heads high when we face people from other nations, there is nothing (major) to be ashamed of in our past.

There are many more reasons but the reason I brought it up is because I learned some new things yesterday.
Things about Cambodia I never knew. Honestly, I wasn't even entirely sure where Cambodia was, I now know.
Basically in a quick sentence I learned that Cambodia had a history of colonialism, got independence from France slightly after Zambia, and then they were occupied by Vietnam, and then there was WAR.
LOTS and LOTS of war, things were destroyed, people were killed.
But you're thinking, yeah, everyone had war in the olden days.
BUT NO, Cambodia had war in MY LIFETIME.
Less than 20 years ago there was war ripping Cambodia apart.

I had the opportunity to hear Cambodian Doctors talking about working and living there and it was amazing.
Issues they overcame:

1. After the war the were FORTY doctors in all of Cambodia (14+ million people)
2. After the war, they was a spirit of unease, people didn't know when the next war would come and therefore everyone appears to hoard their money, out of uncertainty. So it is very difficult to get help and funding from the Cambodian poeple
3. Lack of specialists to train new specialists
4. Lack of infrastructures (there was a freakin war!)
1. America was trying to fight Vietnam so they bombed Cambodia over 100,000 times

BUT
- These doctors were passionate, they came to this country to get some new ideas on training new doctors in Cambodia. They were patriotic and they were skilled.
Even had a pediatric cardiac surgeon!
Against such amazing odds they are doing amazing work.
Looking at the stats in Cambodia since even early 2000, comparing things like infant mortality and life expectancy, and poverty, you will see major changes.
And this forces me to ask sometimes...what's our excuse?

3am

Sleep comes in cycles

Something kind of like this, which means at anytime during the night you are more or less likely to awaken.
Generally in my light sleep phases I can wake up check the time and go back to bed.
But every once in a while during these moments of light sleep my brain is sooo excited about an idea that I just can't go back to sleep.



Last night I was in light sleep around 3am, and my brain was just shooting forward about going to Zambia and building a hospital (this will probably be a reality in my 40s!), about being able to visit for the first time in 5 years next year!
My mind is soo excited and it is so hard to have to tell myself to cool it because I have to successfully make it through today, this week, this year, etc. I told my brain to chill, it didn't work...

So I managed to stay in bed for a few more hours, not really sleeping...
But I thought I would share what was keeping awake tonight, because if you get excited about it maybe you can start and I can come and meet you half way in a few years.

Let me start by discussing some of my motivations.
1. specialist care is hard to come by in Africa especially in rural areas
2. Machines and tests and all other shiny equipment needed for new millennium medicine are expensive and also hard to come back
3. I believe the current borders in Africa are not of our own making and I would like to blur those borders.
4. There are a lot of skilled Africans not working in Africa

So I was thinking
1. Building a hospital at a border and in Zambia we have a few pretty epic borders either the Tanzania/Malawi border, or Malawi/Zimbabwe, or the Botswana/Namibia/Angola area (although I have never been there and google says it's very filled with national parks).
Anyway, by building at a border we can pull resources and build a tertiary hospital that all surrounding countries can refer to. But we can all claim it as our own, it can be staffed and resourced by the best that all surrounded countries have to offer.
2. Zambia is currently discussing dual citizenship and if they are smart and let it pass through the new constitution it will mean that more Zambians will be coming back even if it's just to visit. I truly believe there are enough foreign trained or foreign working Zambian doctors that can come and work for a month or a week and volunteer or even be paid (too far ahead to know) for their specialist skills. I don't know the dual citizenship rules of the other countries (and the wee hours of the morning are for dreaming big, not researching). But I KNOW there are enough people in all those countries to build, equip, and staff a giant tertiary hospital.
I laid awake seeing visions of helicopters bringing patients, of specialist care centres, of patient and family residences.
3. I like the idea of building in a non-city. Cities, are already built up with rules of transport and roads and overcrowding, but to build a new city. To start from scratch incorporating all we now know, that is amazing. To start with roads wide enough, to lay a foundation for an effective public transport system, to plan ahea for open areas, for residential areas...
4. Additionally, I had visions of setting up a program to encourage African students studying elsewhere to come and do a placement for a few weeks and show them how exciting medicine can be in Africa, that we can have amazing equipment and they can live comfortable lives.
It can be the beginning of reversing the brain drain, giving them a reason to come home.

I kept seeing this building in my head, kept seeing parts added to it, initially just a clinic, then an emergency department and then a surgery department, then infectious disease, cardiovascular disease wards...obstetrics (that should probably come earlier).
Allowing students from the neighbouring countries to get excited about medicine, facilitating research, answering locally relevant questions.
PLUS tons of OTHER people come to Africa to research on us and then answer questions that matter to them and go back and make their healthcare better, imagine if we were testing new medications, new ideas, new equipment in order to better our own health.
I have images of preventative care, of sexual health clinics, vaccination, exercise and diet information sessions,

Then I thought about a name, I thought Border Hospital but that's already taken.
And then I thought it should be a unifying name something that incorporates either the languages of the relevant countries or their values in some way
Or even something like ZBNA (just the countries letters), but that's not very creative and I think they might be issues with letter order. So just something cool and unifying....I still haven't though of anything...but then it was time to actually get out of bed, and I only got 5 hours of sleep and I have about 7 hours of lectures today...hopefully I can be awake for it all.

*sigh* These are the visions that keep me up at night...

Exams approacheth!

There is a trajectory that happens every semester of every school year since...probably high school. I reckon before that I was probably excited and happy to be at school to see my friends and school work was just a slight disturbance to my social life.
But at some point academic work actually becomes the majority of what you are doing at school, and then it begins to dominate your home life as well. And that's when this trajectory starts.

Basically I start at a 100%, and every day my 100% is chipped at by a desire to be doing something else.

And by exam time I am at a significantly low percentage, generally by the last day of classes I am at zero percent and my body is present but my brain has gone on holiday.
So the main goal in my education life has been to start at 100% and make sure that the decline in attention and motation is slow enough so that by the time I reach the zero of the last day I have actually learned stuff already and can pass without whatever it is they teach on the last day.
Around high school they also started giving exams a while after the last day of lectures, so then that meant reaching zero on the last day of lectures and then having a quick burst of study motivation before exams.
For teh record this trajectory is present even DURING an exam, I generally start an exam high on adrenaline, motivated, and committed to doing my best.
I answer the questions, I check my answers, and usually (99 percent of the time if time permits) during my second time trying to review my answers...I reach my final zero and my brain just refuses, so this artifial burst of study motivation is extremely transient and is JUST enough.

Why am I explaining this.
I have a few weeks left and I am quickly approaching zero....
I am spending more time on here and less time studying but as always I am budgeting that all the time I spend studying before (the area under the curve), will serve me well and I am expecting a last minute burst of motivation just before the exam to pull me over the finish line.

Such is life.

Boredom

So it's monday morning and I ask
'How was your weekend'
And the person says, ' boring, after studying for a about 5 hours, I had nothing else to do'


----
In a separate conversation with someone entirely different:
We are discussing growing old, and wanting to live long after retirement
and the person says
"Well, you don't really wanna live too long after retirement, there is nothing to do'

-----

My mind is boggled by people who seem to need to be doing stuff. I love doing nothing.
for MY weekends, after studying for five hours, I go to the gym, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, and then DO NOTHING. And I love it.
I just sit there enjoying watching the hours pass, I let my brain relax because it's been working so hard all week. And it's the same nothing I do on my holidays. I can do it for weeks on end and after retirement I will do it for months on end. Except in nicer places, cause I would have saved up money and I will be able to go to stupidely exciting places for my retirement and do NOTHING.
A little bit of something but mostly nothing.
I want to meddle in other people's lives, I want to be able to get totally engrossed in the now and not feel compelled to plan for next week/year. And these are the joys I am looking forward to during retirement.. it'll be amazing..only 50 years to go!

Churches

How amazing is it that God loves us all, that God LOVED us BEFORE we could even declare our love, that God LOVED us enough to still come down knowing we would mistreat him and kill him.
God's love = amazing
But what I think is a really cool manifestation of God's love is the different churches. They are soo many different styles of church declaring who Jesus is and God loves us enough to let us worship in whatever way works best for who we are and I don't think he cares.
I honestly don't think he cares whether we sing hymns or rock music, as long as we are declaring his Lordship.
I, myself, am a shouting, jumping, Holy Ghost fire pentecost, and I recently found myself in a hymn church. And I was struck by how awesome it is that those people were also worshipping God, without having to feel uncomfortable in my shouty, jumpy church. That for them spending time with God doesn't have to involve feeling uncomfortable or forcing themselves to behave in a way that is inconsistent with who God made them to be.
It's cool, there is a church for all of us.
Wow, God thought of everything. .

Samsung

HAHAHAHAHA
I laugh, I cried, I mostly laughed

Loneliness

Loneliness is when something absolutely amazing happens.
When I KNOW God is working in my life, because he has just answered a life long prayer.
Or when God has just tickled me pink, done something in my day to make me laugh
and there is absolutely no one to share it with.
They are there, but they won't get it, they won't really share in my joy, not even for any negative reasons, but they just won't get it.
Loneliness is knowing that the people around you are people you can complain with (the language of whining is pretty darn universal), but you can't rejoice with because they just won't understand the things that bring you utter joy.
Either way, I'm pretty darn happy, so it's alright.
And if I am honest, the poeple who will understand and share my joy do exist, they are just far away. And life has just changed so that I have to call them or email them to share my news, and not just show up at their door, but there are still there. And for that I thank God.

Racism?

I've always been way too slow to be insulted by racism.
I assume people are being nice, and if people hate me they hate me because of some obnoxious quality I have. So I always hear about someone being racist in retrospect, or consider it after the fact.
This is good, it means I never get into unnecessary arguments that would probably only serve to feed whatever hatred they had for my race already.

So I am walking in my burb.
And I white guy looks at me and says
"They are africans in this burb now?"
And I laugh, becuase I took it as just casual conversation
" We've been here for a long time"
(For the record: NO, I am feeling so lonely and I poune on every slightly dark person I find, becuase there are BARELY in black people in this burb. But I was still walking past him and making casual conversation)
"Taking over the place" He says.
And I was passed him at this point. But as I was walking away, I realised I assumed it was casual conversation.
BUT REALLY, this isn't the kind of thing, you say to strangers as casual conversation.
This is closest I have been to going up to someone and saying, "Would you please clarify your point"
That's the kind of racism you'll find this country, people saying stupid things, and I am almost 80% sure it's not related to any particular hatred for my race, but to just plane old ignorance that I probably don't want to have a conversation about how "we're taking over"

Ugh
For the record, we are only here, because it's so hard to survive in our own countries, because we have bad leadership (mostly because you guys interfere in our leadership) and generate hoops for our leaders to jump through that derails them from their goals.
It's hard to live in our own countries because we are still building and we are still building because some light skinned idiot decided we were nothing but animals and destroyed our societies.


---
I know where he works...

Raising money

<p>There once was a little boy, who lived in Zambia. He was the youngest of four but tragedy struck while he was in primary school.<br>
He lost both his parents (rumour has it, it may have been AIDS).<br>
He is loved because he is uncomplicated, spending time with him is peaceful and unstressful. But most importantly he is ridiculously Hard working.
In the time we have known him he seems to have responded to life and all its unpleasantness with study. He seems to understand that education is his way out.
This year he graduates grade twelve. We are optimistic he will get into university and get a bursary because of his life circumstances.
However, he has no idea what to do at uni. He has not been exposed to many options and there has been an idea floating around to sponsor him to take a trip, see a tiny bit of the world, and spend some time shadowing some of the careers he has considered.
But ultimately the question I'm asking myself is how can I raise 10000 dollars by the end of this year (although even half of that would be enough)?
How do I raise money when I have to study and fund my own existence?

............ .     . . . . . . . .
Someone just came up to me and said "how are doing, ma'am"
I don't think I like being a ma'am.

For every action there is a reaction

So yesterday my day continued to not go as planned and I got to bed around 2a.m. not because I was having a crazy party night but because it took that long to find myself in a bed. Trains that weren't arriving, buses that didn't come, and tacos that also required hunting down.

Walk the talk

Today is a beautiful day,
Yesterday was disgustingly hot but today is perfect for being alive.
I loved this morning I got done everything I needed to get done.
This afternoon is filled with regrets.
I regret coming to the airport only an hour early.
I regret not getting on the the first taxi that arrived and stood next to me.
I regret not just paying the 70 dollars for my overweight luggage.
I regret not buying the first alternative flight offered to me.
I regret crying...a lot at the airport as my best laid plans crumbled around me.
I regret so much about this day that turned out to be so expensive. I have spent money I just don't have.
And I had so many options for this to be different but I didn't act on any of them fast enough.
However I do not regret thinking before I act. today my thinking had resulted in missing out, but that does not mean I will act without thinking from here on, that I refuse.
So I regret my decisions but I accept that all the decisions I made were based on the information I had at the time, and I think I made the best choices I could with what was available to me.
ultimately I bought a plane ticket a while ago, bought a train ticket to get to the airport today, bought a taxi after it turned out the trains weren't working as expected.
bought another plane ticket after realising I had missed my flight, my new one way ticket costs more than my entire trip combined.
I do not like a lot of the details about today but I do not regret that much really, I did the best I could, and honestly I was poor yesterday and I'm still poor today,I haven't really been tipped into extra poor...just the same general level of poverty...so what's a couple hundred dollars.
I'm also dehydrated from crying if you're interested....but I packed a packed meal so I've at least saved money there.
This is my first blog from my new shiny phone...that's a success too....really surprisingly today is probably balanced successes and failures....depending on how you lean on the balance

Judgements

There is so many things in the world that I am entirely and completely ignorant in.
And I find I make judgements of whether I love or hate something new within the first few minutes of encountering it.
I try to alter my judgements as more information becomes available.
But I just realised for example if I were to be introduced to a new dance, and decide I hate it. For whatever reason, and it's often for childish and emotional reasons invovling the context in which this new idea or process was introduced.
Becuase I hate it, I am less likely to go where people do this dance, and I am less likely to find any new information to make me like it.
I am not planning to change or admonishing people who do it differently I am just making an observation upon how my brain works, just realising that I say I will alter my opinion but since my original opinion feeds my actions there is a limited chance my opinion will be altered.
Don't worry though, I do notice this happening (sometimes) and often attempt to look at th e'dance' or concept or whatever, objectively, separate from original ideals and reform an opinion. Doesn't mean it will change, but just opening myself up to new information.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
In medical school --> so far my grades are above average
- -- --- --- -
In my weight ---I am also above average. Wait, I am above the 'ideal' weight, but I don't know where the average lies, in fact I'm probably just plain old average in this area.
However, I am happy with my food, lots of fruits and veg, and a bit of meat and carb, right now I am full.
Although I am having trouble with over eating. With unintentional overeating.
Before dinner, I have a snack (usually a fruit), in order that my brian begins to get the food signal and I get fuller quicker ( my loose theory, no science in it, don't quote me).
BUT then, when I do eat dinner and get full quickly, I get confused and have this plan in my head of what I want to eat and I kind of get thrown off that my stomach is unwilling to eat the things I was PLANNING to eat. So I end up saying...well I'll just eat this one last thing. I know I am full, but seriously it's just a...'whatever' And then I am ridiculously full. But I feel no guilt whatso ever, because I am usually trying to squeeze one last fruit into my stomach and I just can't feel guilty about being over full on fruit.
But it is just interesting that my mind hasn't adjusted yet to what I am trying to get my stomach to do.
Exercise--not so much, but on days when I can't gym it I am doing a 3k walk (which isn't much but better than nothing).
I forsee no excuses for tomorrow, so gym here I come.

Mama mpapa, naine nkakupapa

I was looking for a picture to depict this point and I found this painting by a Zambian artist (Caleb Chisha), which I think may be titled exactly what I was saying.
Basically to 'papa' (is to do exactly what this mother has done for this child) and it says mom carry me like this and I will carry you like this.
Less literally meaning, take care of me and I will take care of you.
I have grown up expecting my mother to give me 100 percent, and she has given me even more than was in her capabilities. I have seen my mother struggle an incredible amount to give me the best she could. But ultimately that just inspired me to work harder because I am committed that one day I will take care of her. I see myself as an investment that will pay off one day.
However I feel like there are stages.
1. first my mom took care of me entirely
2. now I take care of myself (barely)
3. And next I will have enough to give back to her.

Having grown up like this, and still believing this is how the world works. I get confused when I find people still living in their parents homes in their late 20s or even 30s. I have a friend who has a career, and a car, and plans to get married soon but still lives with his parents. The problem I have with this is often, if you sleep in the same room you slept in when you were little, it is very difficult to change the dynamics of your relationship. If the context has remained the same it's difficult for the contents to change.
Additionally something really cool is happening in our family since we have arrived to stage 2, now that my mother is not taking care of me but doesn’t NEED me to take care of her, she can do what she WANTS. She has the joy of being young and able without the stress of having to follow me around and check on me and make sure I am safe.

The Plan

I believe there is a big picture plan in my life. Something that I am heading towards everyday.
But I also believe that everyday I should be doing something towards that plan, not saying 'I am going to help people when...'
It's about using the little I have now, to make a difference. Being faithful with the little so that God can bless me with more. And that includes little responsibilities.
Before coming to medicine, I had time to go to camps for disadvantaged children and do regular events for homeless people in my city. This was small versions of what I KNOW I am supposed to be doing later in my life. It was me being faithful with my time to do God's work.

One of the disadvantages I am finding with being in medicine, is it has made me very self-centric. All my time is focused on myself. I have to study on weekends, and right now I think I have scheduled medicine related things for almost half of my Christmas holidays. Which means I don't have time to think outside of myself and be giving of myself.

Currently I am working on finding a way of serving.
I don't believe that I should just focus on medicine because I will be able to help people afterwards. If I can't make time for others now, there is no way I'll be able to make time as an intern. Additionally, I don't know what God has planned for me in 5 years, Medicine may not be a destination but a direction, so it's important that I am doing what I know I am supposed to be doing all the way there and not putting it off.

It's just something I have noticed and will be activiley working towards (after this exam )

Introductions

I have been in a major city for 6 months.
I have been in medical school for 6 months.
I have been away from my family home for 6 months.
I have been nurturing braidlocs for about 6 months.
I have been living in the western world for about half my life (born and raised in Zambia).
I have been overweight (according to my BMI) for a long time.
I have been going to the gym for a few weeks.
I have been a Christian for many years (sorry hard to quantify, a lot of highs and lows in my faith).

Basically, these are the things I might be talking about.

To start with:
I should be sleeping, so I can study before church tomorrow morning. In this way Medicine and God can be fitted into my day. Since they are my two top priorities I have a lot of days where that is all I get done.